Distractions, Disappointments, Hoplessness, & Healing

So it looks like my tendency to not do scheduled things well has struck again. Many a time I thought that I should write another entry because something happened that would have been pertinent to write about, and yet, I did not do it. I left it along and here we are, two months later with a post. I guess today’s a good day to start over.

My friend has been challenging me in my faith and for a while it did nothing to help me really grow. I was still stubbornly not reading the Bible or studying God’s word. I was just as bad as praying as I always was and I was giving up a little. Things did not seem to be going well, in fact, things were going badly. I was still jobless after more than a year of searching and going to fruitless interviews. “How long Lord? How long will I pay for my unfaithfulness?” was common feeling. But I guess to explain that I should say that several years before I was laid-off at work, God was telling me to leave my job and find something else. I, being as pious as I am, “prayed” about it and asked my small group to pray about it, but I never did look for anything else. I admit, I was comfortable where I was — I had a great boss, grew co-workers, and I was getting compensated well!

Well, God said fine, stay there so there I stayed after everything went south. I couldn’t get away, even when I tried. Finally, I told God that the only was I was probably going to ever leave this job was if I was fired or laid-off and, low-and-behold, not long after that I was the very first that day to be laid-off. I was ecstatic! I was probably the happiest laid-off person that day.

Then, God being faithful, I was able to get contract jobs to tide me over through my year-and-more-than-a-half of being jobless. But I was getting frustrated and losing hope, I admit it. At the moment, I seem to be over the punishing as I have the potential for a permanent position at the company my ex-boss went to. I have a feeling she went to bat for me, and it probably didn’t help that there were other co-workers there who know me. But I’m happy. I’m going to have a job. I’m going to be making money again and I can, once again, donate to the missions that I was before.

But, (there’s always a but isn’t there?) I get the feeling that this is not what I am supposed to be doing anymore. What I am getting a job doing — it’s all I know. But I get the feeling that maybe, just maybe, I should be going into something else. Whether it’s ministry or some other thing I do not know. But I get the feeling that this position, while being a blessing, may not be where He wants me to go.

I keep getting these thoughts to call an old friend that I haven’t spoken to in a long while — like two years. And I have a feeling he may have something to do with what I am to do next or, at the very least, I need to make up with him for God to let me know where to go next. It’s hard for me though and I find that my pride gets in my way. I stopped talking to him when my mother passed because I was running away from God and he was a pretty strong influence on me.

But I couldn’t run away from God. As Peter said “…Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life…” John 6:68. Except it wasn’t so much that God has the words of eternal life, it was more, God is apart of me now, so where could I go that he would not be?

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Psalm 139:7-12

I couldn’t run away from Him. I could not unknown, what I have already come to know. As much as I wanted to get away, I knew there was no where to go and my heart needed to be softened. I was broken, and I knew it. I think I’ve finally healed enough, God put me back together though I still have scars. I think I am ready to call my friend.