Hello, again.

Again, I haven’t been here in a while. I guess things are going “well” since I don’t have COVID and I just went to the grocer yesterday. Made some teri-hamburgers and well, I think I should have put a little more salt in it as it is a bit bland. I thought that the shoyu would have enough salt to flavor it but it did not.

Working on a chat application using socket.io but I am having an issue with CORS. I am using the cors middleware but I guess it might have to be a little different for the socket server vs. the http server? Looking into it.

It’s been a while…

It’s been a while since I last visited this blog. More than a year in fact. I had that last post sitting in drafts since 12/20/2018. I figured I’d post it at that date since I haven’t touched it and meant to post it.

Since then though, I’ve gone through a coding bootcamp. Visited home more often than I have in the past. Joined a gym, got a trainer, and meeting with that trainer for the first time tomorrow.

My walk with God has been lacking lately. I’ve been focused more on coding and finding a coding job now. There seems to be more opportunity and I already have four phone interviews lined up. God has not been silent though and has been talking to me.

I have been staying away more than I would like, even loosing my want of going to church. I feel like I will end up somewhere else from here. Moving to a new state wouldn’t be so bad I suppose. I have been here for a long, long time. I said before that I felt that it was time to leave and this time I don’t want to disregard that suggestion.

Like all other things though, I’ll leave this in God’s hands and ask him to open the doors he wants me to walk through and close those he does not. But I really do need to stick closer to Him.

How Time Flies

I am reminded of a saying by a pastor on a podcast — what he said was something like this: “People being surprised at how quickly someone is growing up is like a fish always being surprised at how wet water is.” Then he went on to say that the only way that would make sense is if the fish were one day destined to not live in the water anymore.

In other words, being surprised at how fast time flys by is evidence that we were meant to live for an eternity, not for this temporal existence. Or at least I think it went something along those lines. In Biblical terms: “…[God] has also set eternity in their heart…” — Ecclesiastes 3:11

Lately, I have been thinking about how time has been “flying by” and how quickly I have come to this point in my life. In the time since my last post I have taught a Bible study (don’t ask, it didn’t go exactly well, but better than I thought it would so… there’s that), rethought that ministry that I am kinda-sorta leading, and… well, I am sure there is more, but I cannot think of anything right now.

God has provided yet again, I was getting low on funds and he has provided me with another contract opportunity. Still nothing full-time, but I get the feeling I am where He wants me. As uncomfortable as it is.

Build a Habit, Reap a Destiny

One of the pastors that I listen to on podcast once mentioned this, I do not know where he got it from but it makes sense:

Sew a thought, reap an action.
Sew an action, reap a habit.
Sew a habit, reap a destiny.

I have been attempting to sew the action, and there for making a habit, of journaling. Everyday for a personal one and once a week for a blog. Needless to say, my attempt has been poor in the results department seeing as how my last post was two months ago — don’t even get me started on the daily journaling.

I find these things to be helpful though to see what I have been through as the fog of time can change details and omit things that should not be omitted. A standing telling me where I have been, and perhaps, clue me in to where I am going.

In any case, the reason I am attempting to do this is because God has been telling me from multiple people that I ought to be writing and drawing in addition to the leadership roles I have.
Strange though as I myself do not particularly want any of these things. Leadership means that you need to keep yourself more accountable. Writing tends to reveal yourself to others more than I would like since you can only really write well about things you know. Drawing, well, I enjoy that but sometimes I think perfectionism gets in the way and ruins the whole experience. I frequently have to remind myself to just do it and as you do it you will improve.

Sometimes, for sanity, it would seem better to just leave well enough alone. Then again, pursuing the things God tells you to do should be a noble things to pursue should it not? I think somewhere I have heard, or been told, that if God wants you to do something he will equip you to do it and give you a heart for it. I suppose that, sometimes, this takes time. I suppose I shall continue as best I can and see what transpires.

An Interesting Thought I Read

I was reading somewhere that worship of God and spending time with God is not just about reading the word and praying. It is also when you listen to worship music, think on the things of God, and do things in pursuit or to bring glory to Him. It is not just a narrow set of how you spend your time. I suppose that makes sense because that is the way relationships are with other people too is it not?

You think about them, how you can better interact with them, what kinds of gifts they would like for their presents, and stuff. But also spending time with them going to movies or just hanging out and eating some chips and drinking sodas. Time spent with those you care about is not always about talking about deep stuff, your cares, worries, or anything else. Sometimes it is just being in the presence of one another and just being. I guess it should not have surprised me that would apply to seeking out God.

Just had a speaker come and talk about love, dating, marriage, sex, and singleness at church. It went well I think. There was a good turn out when compared to the other events we have had and this one excelled in that it had a fair number of men as there were women. Usually the audience is mostly or all women and the men are absent. I cannot wait to get the video and sound files to put together the video of the talk!

Balancing the Rod and the Staff

One of the many things I struggle with is the balance between the discipline of God and the grace of God. It seems to me that trying to get a right, balanced view of it is hard, not only because we tend to focus on what we’re pre-disposed to focus on, but people I meet tend to only focus on grace. It seems that whenever you speak out the discipline of God or approach the suggestion of that, someone is always quick to bring in the grace of God. I suppose that is what I struggle with.

It seems that if you talk about discipline people don’t want to hear about it and instead concentrate on grace. Like discipline is some sort of disease that doesn’t happen if you don’t bring it up. Maybe it is the way that I bring it up, or maybe they think I am forgetting grace when I speak about the discipline. I do suppose that sometimes I make it seem like “if I don’t do this, I shall be punished” but that’s not really it.

God is clear that he disciplines those he loves with the rod and that “[h]e who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently” (Proverbs 12:24,NASB) and “[m]y Son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by Him; For those whom the Lord loves he disciplines, and he scourges every son whom he receives.” (Hebrews 12:5, NASB)

God does not shy away from discipline or saying that He disciplines. I get the feeling a lot of people concentrate on the grace of God because it’s comforting, emphasizing forgiveness to the extreme which isn’t a balanced view. But I suppose that’s how we tend to function as sinners don’t we? Going to extremes.

Or maybe it is because I make it sound like the reason why I strive to do well is because God will discipline me which is a wrong attitude to have. Our wanting to do good shouldn’t come from a place of fear, but instead a place of love. “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.” (1 John 4, NASB)

I suppose that is what my real struggle is, the balance between reverencing God knowing that He disciplines because He loves, and living, doing good in walking with Him and wanting to do good to grow in His love. That love is reason enough to resist sin. “You have no yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin…” (Hebrews 12:4, NASB) And I have not resisted to the point of shedding blood. I find that I give in and do the things I do not want to do, neglecting the good things I want to do like Paul in Romans 7.

Walking in Step with the Lord?

There’s one thing about being self-employed, you sure have a lot of time on your hands if you’re not a “rain maker” with lots of connections and the ability to network like crazy. But that leaves me with a lot of time to follow after God… or not follow after God. But whatever the case, I can no longer use “I am too busy with my work to do that for you Lord” which may have been the whole point of this period in my life.

Since getting laid off I went on my first short-term mission, started a ministry, actually followed through with ministry activities and planning for bigger things, joined the prayer team, started hearing from God more, reading the Bible more consistently (read more than never), and studying the Bible too boot. Not that I do any of those things spectacularly, or that it is not a struggle to do it. But God has been rewarding me with speaking to me more through those whom I interact with.

Also, I have been day dreaming, and dreaming, more about teaching people, leading the ministry I seem to have gotten myself into, and I have come to be more concerned about what we do in that ministry. It scares me, disturbs me, and excites me. But mostly, I am trying not to be so resistant to leading and setting up all these things — especially since planning and coordinating is the thing I hate. Also, since I have never really done that stuff, I am finding that there are a lot of areas I am falling short, but at the same time learning a lot.

Gah, it’s a mess.

Depending on the Lord

Lately, I have been talking a lot about how the Lord has been teaching me to depend on him lately by providing me with jobs when I need them and giving me just enough to get me to the next job. It’s still quite disconcerting to see my savings go down and down, but somehow, until it’s time, the jobs I interview or apply to go nowhere. I do not particularly like that bit, but by the same token I have a lot of time to pursue the Lord.

Not that I have done that as diligently as I ought, but I have been pursuing him and growing in my faith. Without this time of no full-time work, I am not sure I would be doing what I have been doing and stepping out in faith the way I have. I know I would have used the excuse of my job as a way to justify not having time to do any of the things He is asking of me. So praise the Lord for His knowledge and generosity. Amen.

Prayer

Prayer.

It is something that I have never been good at — well, except perhaps when I was in need, and even then not so much. But God has been teaching me just how important prayer and alone-time with God is. Or rather, He has been telling me just how important it is, and I am trying to learn it just how required it is for our walk. It is something I struggle with because, although I am grateful to God and I know that He is faithful and true, it is very easy for me to let the daily things get in the way. I have been told that you need to be intentional about setting time alone for God, but then also warned that it should not be something you check off of your list as “something to do.”

Like any other relationship, if you say that you love someone but then spend no time with them — is that really love? I guess that is the question that I ask myself and I would say no. Or it can be, but it is not a very strong love. You can have affection for people you do not often see, but that is not a very deep love because you are not involved in their lives in any meaningful way. The opposite is true as well of course.

“Dream”

They tell me, Lord, that when I seem
To be in speech with you,
Since but one voice is heard, it’s all a dream,
One talker aping two.
Sometimes it is, yet not as they

Conceive it. Rather, I
Seek in myself the things I hoped to say
But lo!, my springs are dry.
Then, seeing me empty, you forsake
The listener’s role and through
My dumb lips breathe and into utterance wake
The thoughts I never knew.
And thus you neither need reply
Nor can; thus, while we seem
Two talkers, thou art One forever, and I
No dreamer, but thy dream.

— C.S. Lewis

Feeding on the Word of God

Today at Easter service God spoke to me these things. Like Joshua and Caleb who believed in God, we must spend our time wandering through this world with our eyes on the promise that God has given us. Then, like Caleb, we are to treasure and boldly claim the Lord’s promises to us. Caleb wandered with the rest of the Israelites in the desert for forty years and still at eighty-five he had that fire for the land that God had promised to him through Moses.

Also, God provided the people with manna every morning which they gathered up to feed them throughout the day. That is how we are supposed to gather up the word in the morning, working at it and being purposeful about it as the Israelites were in gathering their manna. Then we are to use what we have stored up in the day to feed us throughout the rest of the day. Then, doing the same thing the next day just as the Israelites had to gather manna the next morning because the manna lasted only for the day.